SiriuslyLupin's InsaneJournal

Last night, I watched this documentary about the assassination of John F. Kennedy on the History Channel. It was told completely through news clips, videos, interviews, and television shows from the time. It was so overwhelming. They showed so much news footage from November 22, 1963 that I had never even seen before, following JFK throughout the morning and into the afternoon.

I've seen and read so much on the subject, but I think this was perhaps one of the most emotionally draining ones to watch. Maybe because it showed so much footage from the presidential breakfast beforehand. It was very chilling and haunting to watch, knowing what was coming later on in the day.

At the end, they showed a montage of clips from various recent movies and television shows on the subject. One of the last clips they showed was from the Quantum Leap episode Lee Harvey Oswald (previously known as Leaping On a String). It was that episode of television that got me interested in the subject at all, so seeing it referenced there, if only briefly, was simply epic.

They're calling this the JFK Assassination week on the History Channel, and they'll be showing even more documentaries on it. It's rather odd, considering that they usually have this sort of thing in November, closer to the anniversary, but it's really reminded me how fascinated I am by the subject <3

Title: Shandurai: Year Four
Chapter: 29/?
Author: siriuslylupinff
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Despite the looming prophecy still hanging over her head, Shandurai Lupin is determined to make the most of her fourth year at Hogwarts. However, it isn’t long before she realizes that the traitor may have already started to fulfill the prophecy, bringing with it the death of one of Shandurai’s classmates. While the school is thrown into turmoil, Shandurai learns that another one of her friends is hiding a dark secret. One that will intertwine them in the Death Eaters' plot more than they'd ever anticipated.

I have a tale to tell,
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well.
I was not ready for the fall,
Too blind to see the writing on the wall.

A man can tell a thousand lies,
I've learned my lesson well.
Hope I live to tell,
The secret I have learned.
Till then, it will burn inside of me.

I know where beauty lives,
I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives.
The light that you could never see,
It shines inside, you can't take that from me.

The truth is never far behind,
You kept it hidden well.
If I live to tell,
The secret I knew then,
Will I ever have the chance again?

If I ran away, I'd never have the strength,
To go very far.
How would they hear the beating of my heart?
Will it grow cold, the secret that I hide?
Will I grow old?
How will they hear?
When will they learn?
How will they know?

A man can tell a thousand lies,
I've learned my lesson well.
Hope I live to tell,
The secret I have learned.
Till then, it will burn inside of me.

The truth is never far behind,
You kept it hidden well.
If I live to tell,
The secret I knew then,
Will I ever have the chance again?

It's been a week since my last update, so I feel like I should post something, even though I don't really have anything to talk about. So I guess I'll post about the thing that I'm most excited about at the moment - Saw VI coming out on October 23rd! You have no idea how excited I am for this movie! I'm almost as fangirlish right now as I am before a Harry Potter realease. Not quite, but almost.

I love these movies all by themselves, but I think I'm more emotionally invested in this one. Last winter, they had a reality show, Scream Queens where they basically auditioned ten actresses for a role in Saw VI. From the very beginning, Tanedra Howard was my favorite to win, which she did. It's so fulfilling to see your favorite win something like that all by itself, but it's made me even more excited for this movie to see how she does. But I know she'll be amazing, because she wouldn't have beat out nine other actresses otherwise.

Just when I think it's getting to the last movie of the series, it's announced that even more are in the works. For a long time, I thought that VI would be the last one, but now I've come to find out that they have through VII still planned. I know a lot of people think it's being run into the ground at this point, but I think they could make a million of these things and I'd love every single one. For the last five years, Halloween has meant a new Saw movie. It makes this time of year that much more special for me, knowing I have another installment to enjoy of a series I love so much <3

On October 23rd, the game comes full circle.

We are truly into autumn now. The past few days have had that chill in the air, and the leaves are really beginning to change. I love it so much I can't even begin to describe it in words how it makes me feel. I always say that it feels like I belong in this season. I feel at home in it more so than any other time of the year. It's almost magical.

Only this year, it brought the flu with it, because I feel like crap :P

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." ~George Eliot

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in, I talk myself out,
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait, I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck.
Wherever you are, whenever it's right,
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And, baby, your love is going to change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair in love and war,
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and we'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is going to change me.
And now I can see every single possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get.

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Title: A Family Divided
Fandom: The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas
Chapter: 1/1
Author: siriuslylupinff
Rating: PG-13 (for some mature material involving the Holocaust)
Summary: After the events at Auschwitz, Gretel struggles to regain some sense of normalcy in her life, complicated even more by the fact that she feels all but forgotten by her parents.

I'm nervous about posting this. It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I'm not going to hide it anymore.

I always heard that losing a child is the most painful loss in the world, and for a long time, I didn't doubt that. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced at the time, but I don't know if that's true anymore. Now I wonder if losing a parent might surpass that.

Maybe it's because this one is so much more recent. Of course it's going to feel worse when you're right in the middle of it. I sometimes feel so far removed from the fact that I lost Abby. It was ten years ago, I've moved on, and it's hard to remember exactly what that hurt felt like. I know it was awful; there were days when I didn't think I would make it through it, but it all seems dulled and muted by time.

They're not even the same kind of hurt. Not even close. I never really knew Abby, but my mum was my best friend in a lot of ways. She was there for twenty-nine years of my life, and now she won't be anymore. Maybe that's one of the hardest things about that for me. Thinking that she won't see me reach thirty, or she won't be around to celebrate another holiday with us. I don't handle change well at all, that much has become apparent to me, and the thought of those things terrify me. Shouldn't this hurt more than losing someone you never really knew, no matter their relation to you?

I feel awful for even comparing the two. I know it's not fair. I feel like I'm doing a disservice to myself and Abby by doing that. Like I'm minimalizing how much it affected me, and how hard I had to work to put myself back together afterwards. I went to hell and back to get through it, but I made it, and I'm proud of myself for it. If I learned one thing from that, it's that there isn't anything that I can't get through. I'm trying very hard not to forget that, but...it's just hard sometimes.

Fair or not, this is what's been on my mind lately, and I'm trying to let these things out rather than keeping them inside. As I've learned, that just makes things worse, and I can't help how I feel. So there it is.

From the day we arrive on the planet,
And blinking, step into the sun.
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen,
More to do than can ever be done.

Some say eat or be eaten,
Some say live and let live.
But all are agreed as they join the stampede,
You should never take more than you give.

In the circle of life, it's the wheel of fortune.
It's the leap of faith, it's the band of hope.
Till we find our place, on the path unwinding,
In the circle, the circle of life.

Some of us fall by the wayside,
And some of us soar to the stars.
And some of us sail through our troubles,
And some have to live with the scars.

There's far too much to take in here,
More to find than can ever be found.
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky,
Keeps great and small on the endless round.

In the circle of life, it's the wheel of fortune.
It's the leap of faith, it's the band of hope.
Till we find our place, on the path unwinding,
In the circle, the circle of life.

I'm not even much of a fan of Pink, but someone posted this on my friends' list and I just love it for some reason. The funny thing is, I've never been drunk or high a day in my life (something I'm very proud of), but I feel like this song speaks to me for some reason.

It also kind of reminds me of tgbta, and staying up till all hours chatting, and plotting, and writing together. I don't know, don't ask me, it just does :P

Sober ~ Pink

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest,
Or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning,
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.

The sun is blinding, I stayed up again.
I am finding that's not the way I want my story to end.

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain, inside, you're my protection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence,
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth.
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation.
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

The night is calling, and it whispers to me softly come and play.
I am falling, and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain, inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm coming down, coming down, coming down.
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round.
Looking for myself sober.

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad.
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had.
I have heard myself cry, never again,
Broken down in agony just trying to find a friend.

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain, inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

As I'm sure most of you know, I have two kitties named Mr. Chips (also known as the king of my heart) and Luna. My mum also had a cat named Beethoven. For the most part, they're all pretty independent and like to go off and do their own thing (namely sleep). Once in a while they get in the mood to cuddle or to follow us around, but more often not.

But since my mum has passed away, Beethoven has been so clingy with me. Not a whole lot, he's still fairly independent, but much more than he used to be. The weird thing is this only started when she actually passed. She was in the hospital for two months beforehand, but he only got this clingy once was actually gone. My sister and I agreed that animals probably have a sixth sense about that sort of thing, and he just knew when my mum was gone forever.

Beethoven just has these moments now where he follows me and wants to cuddle like crazy. If I don't get up by a certain time, he sits outside my bedroom door and cries at the top of his lungs. When I finally do get up, he hampers me while I try to get ready. One of his favorite things to do is to sit on my lap when I'm trying to write at the computer, which makes it very hard to get anything done.

But I don't mind. Whenever he does, I just think that he needs me just as much as I need him right now, and that always helps to make me feel better.

He's my cat now <3

This won't mean anything to a lot of you, but I have Hope :D Not just hope, but Hope. A tangible reminder of something that is so important.

I was thinking about the Nuthouse tonight, and how it brought some of us together when we needed it the most. It's kind of funny that Hope came about just before some of us desperately needed that extra bit of comfort.

I've only had Hope for about a half a day, but it's already brought me comfort than I could have imagined :D

Title: A Shadow 2: Blue Moons and Broken Promises
Chapter: 1/1
Author: siriuslylupinff
Rating: PG
Summary: AU. After Sirius’s innocence is proven, he and Remus try desperately to recapture the friendship that they once had, just one of the many casualties lost to Azkaban. When Remus makes what could be a costly mistake, he realizes exactly how much he and Sirius need each other.

Through the mirror of my mind,
Time after time, I see reflections of you and me.
Reflections of the way life used to be.
Reflections of the love you took from me.
Oh, I'm all alone now, no love to shield me.
Trapped in a world that's a distorted reality.

Happiness you took from me,
And left me alone with only memories.
Through the mirror of my mind,
Through these tears that I'm crying,
Reflects a hurt I can't control.

'Cause although you're gone,
I keep holding on to the happy times.
Oh, when you were mine.
As I peer through the window of lost time,
Looking over my yesterdays,
And all the love I gave all in vain.

All the love that I've wasted,
All the tears that I've tasted,
All in vain.

Through the hollow of my tears,
I see a dream that's lost.
From the hurt that you have caused.
Everywhere I turn,
Seems like everything I see,
Reflects the love that used to be.

In you I put all my faith and trust.
And right before my eyes,
My world has turned to dust.
After all the nights, I sat alone and wept.
Just a handful of promises,
Are all that's left of loving you.

Reflections of the way life used to be.
Reflections of the love you took from me.
In you I put all my faith and trust.
And right before my eyes,
My world has turned to dust.

Indeed I don't. I don't know why I remember these things. This is the first song I heard after I talked to my mother for the last time. Just before her heart attack, because afterwards, she wasn't coherent enough to have a conversation with.

This isn't a sad post. Or it isn't meant to be. I'm just celebrating that fact that I can listen to this song now without crying. And I'm allowing myself to remember instead of hiding from it now. Memories are good.

And oddly enough, just as I went to post this, This Love by Maroon 5 came on the radio. That song has a similar memory attached to it, but for someone else entirely <3

Don't Know Why ~ Nora Jones

I waited till I saw the sun,
I don't know why I didn't come.
I left you by the house of fun,
I don't know why I didn't come.
I don't know why I didn't come.

When I saw the break of day,
I wished that I could fly away.
Instead of kneeling in the sand,
Catching teardrops in my hand.

My heart is drenched in wine,
But you'll be on my mind forever.

Out across the endless sea,
I would die in ecstasy.
But I'll be a bag of bones,
Driving down the road alone.

My heart is drenched in wine,
But you'll be on my mind forever.

Something has to make you run,
I don't know why I didn't come.
I feel as empty as a drum,
I don't know why I didn't come.
I don't know why I didn't come.

Hiding from things. Shoving them deep down and focusing on other things so I don't have to think about it.

I remember the last time I did that (or the last time I did it with a similar situation). So long ago now, yet the emotions I felt then are still so clear. I pushed all my feelings aside, tried to convince myself that I was fine, and then I'd focus on my schoolwork instead. I did that for three and a half years until I found my saving grace. Until I saw that it was okay to let it all out and talk about it. It was like some wall just crumbled, and every feeling that I had pushed away just came out, and that was the first step in moving forward.

Now I'm only just realizing that I've been doing the same thing since my mum died almost two months ago. I kind of pushed it away and just occupied myself with other things. I thought I was doing okay. I was proud of myself for being so strong. But now for the last week or so, and especially since Saturday, it's been hitting me so hard. At first, I wasn't even sure what it was. I thought it was just a bunch of little things getting to me, but now I've been having these moments where it just really hits me that she's gone. Of course I know that, but it still seems so unbelievable.

She used to sit in the den watching television and doing puzzle books. Sometimes, when I walk past that room, I almost think that if I look, she'll be there still. And then it hits me that she won't be. That she'll never be again.

I miss talking to her. I would just ramble away sometimes about nothing in particular, and she would listen like I was talking about the most important thing in the world. One of the few people in my life that made me feel that way.

I'm crying for the fourth time in four days. And I never cry. Not anymore. Which I can thank my EX for. I used to cry all the time, but when he became emotionally abusive towards me, I wasn't allowed to cry anymore. Because crying was "pointless and it never solved anything." I know he was wrong to tell me that, I know he was wrong period. One of the many reasons he is now my EX, but I was with him for so long that I learned to keep those emotions inside even more than I had before.

I cried at my mum's viewing, at the funeral, and at the burial and that was it. But now it's all just hitting me and I'm realizing that I can't keep it in anymore. That I shouldn't, because I know it isn't good to do so. I suppose it's good that I've realized this now, instead of years from now like I did the last time.

Whenever someone asks, I keep saying that I'm okay. Isn't that what everyone always says to that question, even when they're not? But that's not true right now, and I'm not going to pretend it is.

I'm not okay.

Title: Love Sees More 3: Greyback's Pack
Chapter: 11/?
Author: siriuslylupinff
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remus has agreed to infiltrate Greyback’s pack. That, however, proves much easier said than done. As the days pass and Remus spends more time with the animalistic werewolves, it becomes harder and harder for him to remember what it was like to live as a human.

Forever Fandom still isn't working for me at the moment, so this is only up at my fanfiction LJ and IJ as of yet *pokes Comcast*

She wrote something about me, so now I have to write something about her. Because I don't know if I tell her enough how important she is to me. She's my best friend and my sister, in heart, if not by blood. She's my other half. I sometimes wonder if we're the only set of twins born eleven years apart. In some ways, we're as different as night and day, but in others, it's a little bit eerie how similar we are. How many areas of our lives coincide. How many times we're affected by such similar things.

She's been there for me ever single second over the last six weeks, over the last six months since things were not very good, and over the last six years. Every single second, whether things were good or bad, she's been there. How many people can you truly say that about? Even if I came up with the most insane idea ever known to man, I know she'd support me through it. She may not agree with it, and she'd be complaining about it the whole time, but she'd back me up all the same, because that's what friends do.

I truly have no idea what I would do without her. Or where I would be right now if not for her. I think I'd be lost, because she gives me something to hold on to in the dark until I can see again.

I love you, sis <3

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." ~Walter Winchell

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose." ~Tennessee Williams

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly.
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

This used to be my playground,
This used to be my childhood dream.
This used to be the place I ran to,
Whenever I was in need of a friend.
Why did it have to end?
And why do they always say...

Dont look back, keep your head held high.
Don't ask them why, because life is short.
And before you know, you're feeling old,
And your heart is breaking.
Don't hold on to the past,
Well, that's too much to ask.

Live and learn.
Well, the years they flew and we never knew.
We were foolish then, we would never tire.
And that little fire is still alive in me.
It will never go away,
Can't say goodbye to yesterday.

No regrets,
But I wish that you were here with me.
Well, then there's hope yet,
I can see your face in our secret place.
You're not just a memory.
Say goodbye to yesterday,
Those are words I'll never say.

This used to be my playground,
This used to be our pride and joy.
This used to be the place we ran to,
That no one in the world could dare destroy.

This used to be our playground,
This used to be our childhood dream.
This used to be the place we ran to,
I wish you were standing here with me.

This used to be our playground,
This used to be our great escape.
This used to be the place we ran to,
This used to be our secret hiding place.

This used to be our playground,
This used to be our childhood dream.
This used to be the place we ran to.
The best things in life are always free.
Wishing you were here with me.